Saturday, May 12, 2012

I left my heart in Santa Ana

I'm sitting in Orange County, California completely heartbroken once again. This isn't the first time I have brought my daughter back to her mom, but it never gets any easier. It feels like it actually gets harder. Kenzie is three now and she is becoming such a big girl. We have conversations she asks questions and is generally curious about the world. Our bond grows stronger every day and it doesn't help when I have to bring her back. I feel like we take ten steps forward while she is with me and two steps back every time she comes back to her mom. Not to say her mom isn't great, it's just that my relationship with Kenzie takes a break every other month.
People don't know how to react when I tell them about the situation with Kenzie. Most people's response is "oh that is so hard." Thanks for pointing out the obvious. I know. And is. Most people will never know the pain I go through each time this exchange is made. I know it is the same for her mother. Walking away from my baby every other month definitely takes a toll on my heart, my soul, my emotions and my body. I really wouldn't wish this on any good parent.
I am constantly thinking of ways to fix this but I can only come up with one solution: sacrifice all other relationships with my family and friends to be closer to her. Of course I would do it - I would do anything for her. It is just so sad that it will eventually come to that. I mentioned the possibility to my mom and she immediately came to tears. My sister understands but I'm sure she doesn't like the idea. I will miss them all. My mom and dad, my sister and brother-in-law, my niece and nephew and of course all of the amazing friends I have made in Colorado. I don't know when it is going to happen but it will and there is a dark cloud looming over my head that won't leave until that day...maybe it will never leave. My focus for the rest of my time in Colorado is going to be on these people that I love.
It will all be worth it in the end, but it's a very hard thing to grasp. But hey, I pride myself on being a great dad and I will do whatever it takes to be close to my daughter and give her the amazing life she deserves.