Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The death of the uninvolved

I was playing a game on my XBOX and got a call from my uncle. I was heavily involved in the game as it is a Kinect game, so I let it go to voice mail. I planned on calling him back, but got a call from my sister before I could. I didn't answer, but my girlfriend did. Her face sank and a thought immediately came to my head. I said "my dad's dead," and she nodded. At first there was nothing. No emotion. Nothing. I started to think about how this affected me, my sister, my brother and my daughter. The conclusion was that it really didn't. My dad wasn't around much when I was a kid and even less as an adult. He abandoned his family and pretty much participated in our lives out of necessity. He was involved when it was convenient for him and that really didn't help us. He didn't pay child support to my struggling mom so he really did nothing for us.
I talked my sister who was upset, but I couldn't figure out why. She didn't know the guy. But this was why she was so upset. She felt that her own father didn't care. Honestly, I don't know if he cared about any of us. As far as my daughter is concerned, they never met. The last time I talked to my dad was when I called him to let him know that she was born. He made no attempts to meet her. He took as much of a role in her life as he did ours. It's sad that he is around as much dead as he was alive.
It finally hit me and I had a bit of a breakdown. I wasn't sad that he was dead. He had been dead to me for a long time. The sad part about him dying was the fact that all hope died with him. I would have fogiven him if he would have just called and apologized. Hell, I would have forgiven him if he just called. I wanted my daughter to meet her grandpa. I now have to explain to her at some point that her that my father, her grandfather didn't care enough to meet her. She is 3 years old and he had every opportunity to have an involvement in her life. But again, why would I expect him to do that when he didn't care enough about us to even call. I know it is a two way street, but I really got tired of trying.
I have had many conversations with my father after death and they are mainly hateful and angry. I don't think he was a good person. I hope there is an afterlife more now than I ever did before. Mainly because I want him to be out there watching his children and grandchildren grow...with no help from him. I try every day to be the best father I can so that my daughter never questions my love.