Saturday, May 12, 2012

I left my heart in Santa Ana

I'm sitting in Orange County, California completely heartbroken once again. This isn't the first time I have brought my daughter back to her mom, but it never gets any easier. It feels like it actually gets harder. Kenzie is three now and she is becoming such a big girl. We have conversations she asks questions and is generally curious about the world. Our bond grows stronger every day and it doesn't help when I have to bring her back. I feel like we take ten steps forward while she is with me and two steps back every time she comes back to her mom. Not to say her mom isn't great, it's just that my relationship with Kenzie takes a break every other month.
People don't know how to react when I tell them about the situation with Kenzie. Most people's response is "oh that is so hard." Thanks for pointing out the obvious. I know. And is. Most people will never know the pain I go through each time this exchange is made. I know it is the same for her mother. Walking away from my baby every other month definitely takes a toll on my heart, my soul, my emotions and my body. I really wouldn't wish this on any good parent.
I am constantly thinking of ways to fix this but I can only come up with one solution: sacrifice all other relationships with my family and friends to be closer to her. Of course I would do it - I would do anything for her. It is just so sad that it will eventually come to that. I mentioned the possibility to my mom and she immediately came to tears. My sister understands but I'm sure she doesn't like the idea. I will miss them all. My mom and dad, my sister and brother-in-law, my niece and nephew and of course all of the amazing friends I have made in Colorado. I don't know when it is going to happen but it will and there is a dark cloud looming over my head that won't leave until that day...maybe it will never leave. My focus for the rest of my time in Colorado is going to be on these people that I love.
It will all be worth it in the end, but it's a very hard thing to grasp. But hey, I pride myself on being a great dad and I will do whatever it takes to be close to my daughter and give her the amazing life she deserves.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The death of the uninvolved

I was playing a game on my XBOX and got a call from my uncle. I was heavily involved in the game as it is a Kinect game, so I let it go to voice mail. I planned on calling him back, but got a call from my sister before I could. I didn't answer, but my girlfriend did. Her face sank and a thought immediately came to my head. I said "my dad's dead," and she nodded. At first there was nothing. No emotion. Nothing. I started to think about how this affected me, my sister, my brother and my daughter. The conclusion was that it really didn't. My dad wasn't around much when I was a kid and even less as an adult. He abandoned his family and pretty much participated in our lives out of necessity. He was involved when it was convenient for him and that really didn't help us. He didn't pay child support to my struggling mom so he really did nothing for us.
I talked my sister who was upset, but I couldn't figure out why. She didn't know the guy. But this was why she was so upset. She felt that her own father didn't care. Honestly, I don't know if he cared about any of us. As far as my daughter is concerned, they never met. The last time I talked to my dad was when I called him to let him know that she was born. He made no attempts to meet her. He took as much of a role in her life as he did ours. It's sad that he is around as much dead as he was alive.
It finally hit me and I had a bit of a breakdown. I wasn't sad that he was dead. He had been dead to me for a long time. The sad part about him dying was the fact that all hope died with him. I would have fogiven him if he would have just called and apologized. Hell, I would have forgiven him if he just called. I wanted my daughter to meet her grandpa. I now have to explain to her at some point that her that my father, her grandfather didn't care enough to meet her. She is 3 years old and he had every opportunity to have an involvement in her life. But again, why would I expect him to do that when he didn't care enough about us to even call. I know it is a two way street, but I really got tired of trying.
I have had many conversations with my father after death and they are mainly hateful and angry. I don't think he was a good person. I hope there is an afterlife more now than I ever did before. Mainly because I want him to be out there watching his children and grandchildren grow...with no help from him. I try every day to be the best father I can so that my daughter never questions my love.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Welcome...This is me.

So I am trying this out to see if I can turn myself into a sane person by venting through a blog. As I write this, I am a 32 year old guy living in Fort Collins, Co. I have a 3year old daughter who is my world. She currently splits her time between Colorado and California. It isn't the best situation, but it works for the moment. Her mom and I are friends now and it makes the whole situation a bit easier.
I have been told by friends that I am really good at bitching and ranting so look forward to some of that. I hope you enjoy this little peek into my life.